Toxic relationships: How to recognize them and how to heal, with Dr. Lis Milland

When love is confused with endurance

Almost no one realizes in time that they are in a toxic relationship. According to Dr. Lis, by the time a person notices it, "they've already been stuck in the toxicity of the relationship for quite some time." These are important and beloved people, which is why it's easy to confuse toxicity with love, service or support.

On the show, they called it "putting a facade on" the relationship: putting a mask over what hurts so as not to see it. Added to that is idealization. The doctor explained that sometimes we prioritize emotional needs — such as filling gaps from the past, poor coping with loneliness or social pressure to be in a relationship — and this prevents us from seeing what is harming us. She also warned that, in our Hispanic cultures, we sometimes believe that being unconditional or loving others more than ourselves is healthy, when "it has been proven to be destructive to our lives."

Toxic relationships: control, jealousy and isolation

Toxic relationships are characterized by control and isolation. Dr. Lis described controlling, domineering people with pathological jealousy who do not allow their partner personal freedom. In her field, these are known as "impermeable systems,” which means "no one from the outside can get in."

They often distance the person from those who could support them. A toxic parent, for example, will find fault with any of their child's partners, or someone might tell your partner that a friend "is really jealous of you." The result, she explained, is that the person feels the only one they can count on is the one who is hurting them.

All relationships have crises, conflicts and disagreements, and that's normal. The difference lies in the repetitive cycles: a phase of tension, aggression (emotional, physical or sexual, or stemming from power, control or jealousy), reconciliation and forgiveness, and then the cycle starts all over again.

If you're stuck in a cycle that has had no end so far, the doctor said, it may be a toxic relationship.Dra. Lis Millan

How to help a loved one

If you see someone important to you in a relationship like this, reach out. We must set aside the saying that one shouldn't get involved in matters of romance or family: if there is emotional or physical risk, "you must have the assertiveness to tell them what you're observing.”

She offered two specific recommendations:

• Reinforce their strengths. The controlling partner often leads the other person to believe they lack the strengthto move forward. Remind them that they are intelligent, capable and have already overcome many challenges.
• Be patient. According to studies cited by Dr. Lis, it can take a person in an emotionally abusive relationship an average of 10 years to realize they are in a destructive relationship.

Getting to the root of the problem to break free

Realizing this is only the first step: next comes making the decision and, often, seeking professional help. Dr. Lis, who celebrated 30 years as a therapist in August, said that many of her patients try to "pay off love debts" that stem from childhood, and for that reason, even when they understand the reasons clearly, they find it hard to take action.

She recounted the case of a patient who couldn't break free from a destructive relationship. Instead of focusing on getting her to leave, they worked on the root causes that were keeping her there: her father had abandoned her, and she was unconsciously seeking a father figure. Once she healed that relationship, she was able to leave.

The doctor acknowledged that addressing the root causes is difficult. She compared it to opening a trunk and to "hugging a cactus" — "You have to embrace the pain in order to be free again."

"We must embrace the pain in order to be free again."

Forgiving doesn't mean going back

Forgiving doesn't mean staying close to the person who hurts you. Forgiveness frees the wounded person above all else. Reconciliation can happen when the person who caused the harm acknowledges the problem, seeks help and "the fruits of change" become evident. But if the cycle continues, you can forgive and still walk away.

If it involves a family member — whether it's a mom, dad, sibling, husband or wife — "you have the right to protect yourself." It's normal to feel guilty about distancing yourself, but afterward comes a great sense of peace. And when you can't physically distance yourself, you can set emotional boundaries: decide how much time you'll spend with them, listen without letting their words pierce your heart, and don't believe the lies they tell you about yourself.

You can't control how the other person speaks to you, but you can control your reaction and what you let in. And to those who think, "I'll change them," the doctor reminded them: "I'm the one who has to change."

A decision that starts with you

Healing is, first and foremost, a decision. Dr. Lis concluded with the image of a butterfly, which transforms from within until it can fly. "It's your time to fly; it's your time to transform," she told her audience. If toxic relationships sound familiar to you, listen to the full episode of “Vivas y Plenas” here:

Follow us on social media for more content like this: Instagram - TikTok - Facebook