Dear progressive students and teachers, accept Iran's invitation

Dear progressive students and professors who have been causing destruction at several universities, threatening Jewish students and shouting slogans against Israel and the United States.

How are you? I hope you are well and a little bit more relaxed.

I don't know if you know, but a tempting invitation came in the mail for you from Iran. Shiraz University announced that it is willing to provide scholarships and jobs to students and professors who have been kicked out for participating in violent antisemitic protests.

The Ayatollahs hate Zionists as much as you do. There, you can go and participate in activities to reject Israel and the United States on a daily basis. You can trample and set fire to the flags of both countries and shout “Death to Israel” and “Death to America” along with Islamists. You will really feel at home. Culture shock can be surprising, so here are some tips so that your stay does not end in a hanging.

If you accept the university's offer, I recommend not even addressing the LGBTQ+ issue that you like to promote so much. I'm kind of lazy, so I asked AI what would happen to a gay student at an Iranian university. This is what it said: “In Iran, homosexuality is illegal and subject to severe sanctions, including death penalty according to Islamic law (sharia). Therefore, a homosexual student at an Iranian university would face an extremely dangerous and difficult situation if his sexual orientation were discovered." Anyway, that’s just a minor matter, you know. After all, the important thing is to join forces against the Zionists. Free Palestine, right?

When it comes to pronouns, I don't know how they could be modified in Persian to be inclusive, so I recommend you don't even bother. I don't know how the authorities there would react to trans people and so on. Try to keep your behavior very heterosexual and cisgender, and dress always according to your biological sex. Otherwise, instead of wearing a beautiful necklace, you’ll be forced to wear a tight rope around your neck. Well, maybe the Palestinian cause is worth giving up your life for.

Another thing. Women shouldn't dye their hair strange colors. They also shouldn't wear too much makeup, have piercings or wear tight clothing. Ladies, don’t show off your belly button, back or even your shoulders. Don’t even think of revealing your skin or hair. You know what happens there to rebellious girls when they refuse to wear their hijabs, which let me remind you is a crime. During the summer, I recommend using a good, long-lasting deodorant. I understand that your entire ideology is based on feminism and absolute equality between men, women, trans people, pregnant people, cisgender, etc., but you know, you have to make an effort for the Palestinian cause.

In case your loyalty to the Palestinian and anti-Western cause is so strong that you even decide to convert to Islam, just know that it’s quite simple: you just have to pronounce the shahada (testimony of faith), a very short prayer to recognize Allah as the only God and Muhammad as his prophet. The problem is not so much joining Islam, but leaving it, since you could be punished by death. And if that were not enough, men who leave the religion miss out on their 72 virgins in Paradise. It's a shame but no one said that the fight for the Palestinian cause was easy.

Another issue to take into account is freedom of expression. I understand that you like to chant all sorts of things, which in Iran are welcome unless they are contrary to the ideology of the Ayatollahs. If you do not agree with any of the government or the university’s policies, it would be inconvenient to express your thoughts on campus, in the street or on social media. You know what could happen to you. You could be tortured and/or sentenced to death. It is important to keep your mouth shut if you want to join your Islamist friends in the fight against international Zionism and the capitalist West. Anything goes for this cause.

Of course, just know that if you are thinking of studying in Gaza or the West Bank because you want to experience the Palestinian cause up close, I’m sorry to inform you that you would have to make the same efforts as in Iran.

Remember, dear progressive students and teachers, you must strictly respect the rules imposed in Iran or Palestine since your classmates in the United States will not lift a finger if you are hanged, thrown from a rooftop or tortured, since as you know, "No Jews, No news."